Love and Hate
by seniorfag
Summary: Kanda and Allen struggle with their feelings for one another in a turbulent, angsty whirlwind of love and hate.


''It's none of your business whether or not you're the only one I'm seeing so fuck off.'' Kanda stated matter-of-factly, too confrontational to properly answer the straightforward question. He shifted from one foot to the other, distracting himself when he didn't hear any sort of immediate reply from Allen.

Allen gaped at Kanda, incredulous. He couldn't understand how he had ended up falling for the biggest living asshole to date and took a brief moment to evaluate his own sanity. He stared into Kanda's seething eyes, attempting to out-glare the man as if he could convey his argument simply by shooting daggers at him. Allen knew it wouldn't work. He knew Kanda would hold his ground, to stubborn to be swayed by any sort of reason. And yet, something irrational was telling him to continue, to escalate the fight.

"I really can't believe you Kanda.'' Allen spat, figuring that Kanda wasn't going to say any more. He had been reduced to provoking the other man, and yet, he had little incentive to care.

"It's not my fault you're overreacting. Why are you getting so possessive anyway?" Kanda retorted, crossing his arms in frustration. It wasn't as if Kanda really did think Allen was overreacting, that would be hypocritical. Instead the question was more of a ploy to open him up.

Memories of what Lavi had told him rang in Allen's ears. ''What, so are you secretly screwing the whole order? I'm sorry but I'm not really interested in being your sloppy seconds.'' He took a step closer towards Kanda, studying him carefully. The man looked disheveled, yet simultaneously passionate. Allen really was pushing it with every word he uttered.

''What the hell are you talking about beansprout?'' Kanda moved closer to the smaller boy so that they were only centimeters apart, eyes still locked in a furious stare down.

''You know exactly what I mean. Lavi told me everything. I know about how you had that encounter with one of the finders. Its not like I care though. We aren't dating or anything so I guess your free to do whatever you want. Just don't pull me into it I want nothing to do with any of it if-"

"Beansprout slow down. What exactly did Lavi tell you?" Kanda began realizing where this argument may be going, and he wasn't ready for any of it. He took in the sight of the smaller man before him. They had never really sorted out what kind of relationship they had. It was easier to avoid putting a label on their sexual encounters, and desires for one another, but it didn't seem like that ambiguity would last much longer.

Allen shut his lips tightly. He could feel his chest constrict, and part of him knew that he shouldn't have turned the once harmless argument into whatever this was, but the adrenaline had kicked in and he found himself unable to stop. This was the required step to figuring out whatever it was that they had. However, that was not the way to define it. It wasn't as if Allen had any real control over the words that spewed from his mouth.

"That you and some girl were flirting last night, and disappeared somewhere together. Don't worry though I didn't tell him about us, if that's all you care about." Allen huffed bitterly, briefly breaking eye contact to stare at the corner of the room. _There, he said it_.

Kanda drew back slightly upon hearing this. His knitted eyebrows slightly loosened. "Beansprout are you seriously jealous? We were just talking idiot."

"Why would I be jealous its not like I love you."

Kanda inwardly cringed. His eyes widened searching Allen's for some sort of clue he was not being serious. This was going way too far and yet, neither of them were going to back down.

"Well I don't love you either." Kanda growled, fighting against the urge to punch the wall.

"Fine!"

" **Fine**!"

Allen shook with fury only a few centimeters from Kanda, baring his teeth like a wild dog. Kanda, just as enraged, kept his mouth shut, grinding his molars against each other, fists tightening at his sides. Their eyes were locked in a battle of intense, unfiltered emotions.

The exorcists were much too consumed by their determination to come out as the stronger man that they hadn't realized what it was they were actually doing. Allen, was always far too fearful of confessing his feelings towards Kanda. He had made up his mind years ago that there was no way in hell that Kanda could ever reciprocate them. He cherished whatever there was of their twisted relationship enough to not push for more, but the repression of all those emotions had finally caught up to him, and now he stood, seething at the man he loved.

Kanda in turn, was constantly mentally torturing himself. No extent of meditation could chase away his desire for Allen Walker, and yet he continued to pretend as if that want was never there. If there was one thing that Kanda was skilled at, it was pushing others away. Keeping the world just out of reach was something he knew to be an act of cowardice, but nevertheless couldn't help. When Allen Walker had become a part of his life he had done everything and anything possible to push away the shorter man, to rid himself of the sickness of love. But of course, Kanda had never spent a day with an Allen Walker-Free conscious ever since they had their very first rendezvous. It was pathetic, his lack of self-control.

Allen Walker felt the beginning of a sob build up in the back of his throat. He fiercely choked it down, shaking with the strain of his emotions. It felt as though his heart was a sunken pit, so dark and empty and _suffocating_. He wanted Kanda to take back what he had said, to tell him differently.

"Are you… _crying?''_ Kanda tentatively stepped closer, hesitating when Allen stiffened. The smaller boy reached up with his normal hand to brush his cheek, realizing that he had indeed been doing so.

"Haha, I bet you think I'm pathetic, don't you?" Allen's voice sounded like brittle leaves shaking in a gust of wind.

This struck a chord deep inside of Kanda. Guilt sickened him exponentially until he felt as though he had to do something, _anything_. Allen's delicate face in tears was not something he wished to be responsible for in the least.

With a rush of uncertainty Kanda reached out with his toned arms, and pulled the sniffling Allen Walker into his chest. He wrapped his hands protectively around the boy upon hearing him squeak with surprise, and buried his face into his soft white hair.

Allen's heart thrummed vigorously against his chest as he felt Kanda's hold tighten. The man smelled of musk and wood, a scent that Allen had grown to feel comforted by. He took a deep breath, leaning against Kanda and listening to his heart beat through his shirt.

"W-what are you doing?'' Allen stuttered, voice somewhat muffled by the fabric of Kanda's shirt.

"Shut up I'm hugging you" Kanda wasn't the best at comforting others, but he knew that physical reassurance was a way to do it. He paused, unsure if he should say more. On one hand Allen was vulnerable, and obviously wanted to know what kind of relationship it was that they had. However, on the other hand, Kanda simply wasn't ready to be open with what he wanted, or felt. It was a perpetual inner debate that the man felt like a slave to, but it was also something he knew he would have to confront. "Tell me what you want, and I'll do it."

Allen shifted in Kanda's arms to look up at him. The man managed to look beautiful even in such a weary state and he couldn't help but to feel a pang of shame as his gaze made it's way down to the taller exorcist's lips. _Damn him and his gorgeous face._ Allen truly wished he could hate Kanda in this moment.

''Beansprout?" Kanda questioned, his voice too low and endearing for Allen to take for much longer.

A shade of pink coloured Allen's cheeks as he parted his lips and connected them with Kanda's. His arms made their way to the back of the taller man's neck to pull him closer, as he worked his mouth against Kanda's.

A deep hum of appreciation sounded from Kanda as he registered the situation, and he quickly gave in to Allen's inviting lips. Kanda seductively pulled at the younger boy's bottom lip with his teeth, trying to extract as much of a reaction from him as he could. The act proved to be successful as Allen moaned into his mouth, pressing his hard against Kanda's and reaching up to run his hands through the man's hair. Both exorcists were far too driven by their want for the other to endure the pointless argument for any longer.

The two parted briefly to catch their breaths, bodies full of lust, and hearts thudding with adrenaline. Kanda brushed Allen's soft cheek with his hand fondly, the hint of a smile on his lips.

"You're an asshole you know that?'' Allen huffed noticing Kanda's half smile.

"Shut up, you like it.''

''I don't."

Kanda leaned in brushing his lips against Allen's, almost as if asking for permission. "You do.''

Allen gave in and quietly laughed. He gazed into Kanda's dark blue eyes with an expression akin to a confession itself, and accepted Kanda's lips with anticipation, savouring the taste.

In the midst of the moans and kisses Kanda could hear Allen murmur, "You're right, I do.''


End file.
